simtarts

A few notes/warnings:
1)Miss Pam Coffy was created in homage to one of my favorite actresses, Pam Grier. She starred in a 70s blaxploitation flick called Coffy, which is where this legacy's name comes from. I tried to make Miss Pam look like Pam Grier, but it ain't that close, I'm sry to say. She will make up for it in attitude, hopefully.
2)I'm playing the Sims on an unsupported graphics card, so I can't promise my pictures will measure up to the cream of the crop.
3) You can probably bet that there will be foul language and sim-sex.

And here she is! Meet Miss Pam Coffy. After going on a vigilante, ass-kicking spree against dope-pushers back in the ghetto, she's recently moved to the desert to start afresh. She looks sweet but you best mind yourself - she's been known to stash razor blades in her hair. She's a knowledge sim because I had no idea what aspiration to give her. Ass kicker should really be an aspiration, dontcha think? Anyway, I just ended up rolling it and knowledge it was.

Judging by the toxic-waste storage tanks in the background, Strangetown may be just as hazardous to Miss Pam's health as the ghetto was.

Have a look at Miss Pam's legacy barn. She doesn't do "shacks," okay?

She christens the barn with some booty-shaking. Of course.

Make that some capital B Booty-shaking!

I said CAPITAL B! Jesus! *backs away slowly*

The welcome wagon arrived, as they do, but Miss Pam ignored them and shoveled down a hungry-man TV dinner instead.

Sated and bloated with preservatives and carbs, she finally went outside and acknowledged neighbor Clementine Clover by expressing abject horror over Clemmie's ass.

Then she watched with something like detachment as Vidcund and Clemmie produced pillows out of thin air.

Let's get a closer look at that reaction shot, shall we?

Oh yeah, I think I read about this in 'Stuff White People Like.'

I sent Miss Pam downtown and she did this "wassup" thing at the wall for most of the outing.

The only attractive male in the place was this oddly-eyebrowed fellow, who, unfortunately, was immediately disqualified due to his Zoid Spicoli haircut.

Miss Pam thought he looked good for an argument or two.

Miss Pam: Motherfuckin X-rays!
Zoid Hair: I say, I do concur!

Seriously, I had to send her home because she kept having "annoy" and "argue" in her queue for basically everyone.

Back at the barn, it was time for Miss Pam to call in the bedraped and bejewelled experts.

Miss Pam: Woman, work your strange white voodoo in exchange for this crumpled bus ticket.
Gypsy: *cackle*!

The gypsy produces a delivery dork.

Delivery Dork: Sorry, I like lithe, child-like men who dress up as sex clowns.
Miss Pam: Shit, son, so do I.

But wait, look who approaches in the distance!

It looks like one lithe, child-like sex clown is strolling this way!
I thought he was a vampire at first, he's so white, but the fact that he's not smoldering indicates that he's just cursed with a sickly-looking Enayla skin.

Oh, and he's fluent in "Annoy," which means he's speaking Miss Pam's language. Yes!

He thinks she's a sizzling tamale.

Miss Pam shows her appreciation by poking at the frothy, sex clown corsage that bedecks the front of his man-blouse.

In denial about the fact that he looks like a child-catching sex clown, Marcus (that's his name) dances in a fierce, manly fashion.

Miss Pam loses it and cracks up. Admit it - you'd do the same!

Outside, there's something strange going on with Jan Tellerman, who's been looking through the window for several hours now.

Miss Pam wins Marcus over by regaling him with tales of her fast-getaways from the fuzz.

Miss Pam: Motherfuckin' sirens!

When Marcus stands up, his face is stuck like this.

And awwwww, look at that...it's mutual!

...

Miss Pam assures Marcus that she likes his sex clown look and the sparks start to fly.

Especially when Marcus tells Miss Pam about his AVN award.

This is NOT okay. D: D: D:

I sense some regret in this moment. It's time for the ACR walk of shame.

Oh-oh-ho and look at this, when Marcus leaves, Jan is GONE. I guess she got her creeper fill and finally scooted on out of there.

ACR shame or no, Marcus is definitely on Miss Pam's mind. Especially during her "private time."

And during her not so private time, too.

The next morning, Marcus greets Miss Pam with a scandalous, gossipy tid-bit about his wife.

That's right, his wife.

I knew Marcus was married because he was part of a sim family that I made a while back. Technically, it's against the rules for Miss Pam to marry a playable, but... screw the rules. A former ass-kicking vigilante does what she wants!

But that doesn't mean that Miss Pam won't punish Marcus with a sex-clown-appropriate makeover.

Magically, several miles and seasons away at Marcus' marriage abode, he calls Miss Pam up and invites her over.

RUH-ROH! *boing-oing-oing*

Marcus' wife is having none of that shit. OUT, OUT! she says.

Marcus bawls and hates himself.

Oh, great. Something to look forward to for the rest of this legacy.

For some reason, Miss Pam finds it hard to be naked with Marcus and not crack up.

I took down the walls to show everyone what was going on outside. Sure Jan, you can turn your back, but we know the truth: you wanna get your peep on .

Even Marcus' unconscious mind knows the truth.

Over a meal of classy baloney sandwiches, Miss Pam pops the big question.

Marcus accepts! But really, where else does he have to go, fallen ~~woman~~ man that he is.

Marcus: I hope you don't mind a child-free marriage, because I already have two teenagers back at my broken home.
Miss Pam: You don't get a new makeover until I spew your grisly spawn from my loins.

Marcus agrees and they exchange vows outside the barn, not far from where Jan Tellerman witnessed their first boning.

Marcus: I know that she looks asleep, but I'm definitely getting some because it's my wedding night! *lurid sex-clown wink*
Miss Pam: *snores*

She's got good reason to rest, as she's sleeping for two now!

Nothing says love like a big, wet, lickery, post-vomit kiss.

Miss Pam pops awkwardly. Her face is definitely halfway between glee and ohshit.

Since there's nothing to do in the legacy barn, Miss Pam sits on her ass while Marcus writes in his gournal
(I do mean gournal, and if you get that reference, you win!)

Marcus: Dear Diary. Why, I do declare! I believe I'm pretty enough to be on television. Perhaps America's Next Top Model? Or Circus of the Stars?

Marcus: Dear Diary. My ex-wife is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!

Miss Pam: Grrrr, the phone is interrupting my hungry man power nap!

Marcus gossips about his ex CONSTANTLY. It's ridic.

Miss Pam pops again and once again it looks awkward. Though I must say I impressed that she's been in her pajamas this entire time and yet doesn't have waves of green stink wafting off her bod.

Marcus isn't too bothered about his unborn child. He's more worried about when his ex is going to next kick over the trash can.

Since Jin, the guy with the Zoid Spicoli haircut, kept calling, I sent Miss Pam on a bowling outing with him. She got the ball rolling (hur!) with yet another argument.

Miss Pam: Motherfuckin ghosts!

The brothers in the place think Miss Pam is fiiiiine. Who can blame them when she so stylishly popped into maternity wear that matches her headband?

In fact, Miss Pam is so fine, she gets lectured for it by Miss Crumplebutt. I mean, I guess that's why she's getting lectured, because she wasn't doing anything that usually warrants a Crumpleshaming, like wearing her thong swimsuit or getting it on in a public photobooth.

Jim follows Miss Pam home, and proceeds to wonder why a grown man would spend so much time writing in a diary.

I guess an evil cackle must have tipped Marcus off, because he suddenly dashed outside and proceeded to hit the pavement with his ex.

Or, er, she actually hit the pavement with him. Ass handed, game over.

Marcus: *sniff* You don't think I'm a failure, do you doggy? Just because I look like a child-catching sex clown?

Doggy: Didn't that woman just kick your ass into next week?

Marcus: *weeps lustily*
Doggy: *ignores*

Miss Pam: Oh Marcussss! There's about to be a placenta-party in my pants and you're invited!

Miss Pam gives birth to a girl with her Daddy's hair and skin and her Mommy's eyes. Miss Pam names her Foxy, as in Foxy Brown. The chilluns will be named after Pam Grier characters. This means that any boys are going to be pretty unhappy.

A barn is no place for a baby, so I spent the money Marcus brought in to the family on a house remodel.

I would show the rooms, but as you can see they're pretty empty. And also not completely decorated. Yep, I ran out of money.

Marcus, bless his cotton socks, has helped bring Foxy into this world and gets a remodel of his own. I think he looks adorkable!

Annnnnd...that's all for the first generation of the Coffy legacy. Please comment and I will see you next time!